“So many of us want to help and want to 'fix it' but so few of us are willing and able to take a step back from what we think is the right answer and instead, consider that maybe we don't know what's best.

Maybe our approach to helping is actually causing more hurt. Maybe we need to consider that we need to shift something in our own approach and communication to allow space for the person struggling to explore what they might need.”

-Hayley Peek

Speaker, Educator & Person with lived experience, Mental Health and Peer Support

How we choose to respond in situations and to individuals can have a tremendous impact on how that conversation continues. In the previous section, we learned about what it means to be self-aware and how we can use that to create healthy habits that in turn support healthy communication in our relationships, both personal and professional. We’ve discussed the importance of understanding how our thoughts, emotions and behaviours work in tandem; it is also important to consider how our body language, tone of voice and words can affect the outcome of a conversation, especially when it is driven by strong emotions. 

Remain Non-Judgemental:

It’s easy to say we are non-judgmental, but to practice it requires self-awareness and accountability. Having a strong self-awareness practice will help us become aware of our judgments when they are happening in conversation with others as a result of our subconscious thought. As human beings, we all judge; it would be unrealistic to say, ‘don’t judge’. Instead, we want to strive to notice our judgments and then consciously decide what we want to do with them. Can we simply remain curious about our judgmental thoughts and work to ensure they do not control our behaviours and reactions in response to others? Judgments, both positive and negative, are part of human behaviour. Try not to judge your judgments and instead think, ‘isn’t that interesting, I wonder why I think that?’  

Strive To Empathize:

Sometimes we misinterpret our ability to empathize with someone if we cannot relate to their exact situation. Empathy is about connecting with the human emotion that someone is feeling as a reaction to their experience; that is the piece we strive to connect with if it feels safe for us to do so.

Let’s explore this concept further with Brene Brown's below video that discusses the  difference between sympathy and empathy in relationships. 

The Value of Listening in Conversation:

Listening with our full, undivided attention is the first step in creating safety and trust in conversation. It can be challenging for many to pause and simply listen. We want to be heard, or problem solve or sometimes, we even feel the need to fill silence with words. When our goal is to create authentic connection with others, listening goes a long way. To show up for someone and offer genuine support, we need to practice our active listening skills. 

Active listening means we are listening with the intention of fully understanding what someone is trying to say. This means that we are present to the person, limiting distractions around us and providing them with our full undivided attention. We are seeking clarity in their words and not making assumptions about what we think we’ve heard. We are asking open-ended questions, giving someone a chance to correct us if we have misunderstood. Active listening can mean sitting in silence while we wait for the person to find their words. It means we aren’t focused on what we are going to say in response, but instead our focus is on acknowledging the individual and what they are sharing.  It requires patience and conscious effort to fully listen and by providing this to someone in struggle, we are building safe lines of trust in the relationship.

Supportive Language:

When choosing our words, think about how you can respond in ways that support safety and trust with others. For example, consider the following examples as ways to shift your language₁₀.

As we know, we communicate our thoughts and feelings in more ways than simply through words. Although, the words we choose to say play a critical role in supportive conversations, research also tells us that how something is said often matters more to the recipient than what was said. Our interactions with others can be widely interpreted through physical cues that show automatically through our body language.  

“In my opinion, while it is true that non-verbal communication is vitally important, the way to work on it is by continuing to reflect on our inner opinions, judgments, and emotions. We can practice our posture and facial expressions (and it may be important to do so), but it is even more important to check in with our thoughts to see what might be causing unintended expressions that are perceived as non-supportive.”

-Kim Sunderland

Speaker, Educator & Former Executive Director of Peer Support Canada

As the above Albert Mehrabian model shows us, body language has proven to carry the most impact when we are in communication with others that are dealing with emotions and attitudes. Being aware of our interactions with others and learning how to observe rather than react to the assumptions or judgments we make is what allows for greater understanding. 

When applying these techniques to supporting someone dealing with a mental health challenge or illness, we need to remember that an illness or challenge for some can feel overwhelming. Regardless of our own judgments that may come up, a person's perception is their reality and we need to accept that. Respecting their 'truth' is validating and respecting their choice on how to move forward is empowering. Each person experiences their own unique journey. 

In your Managing Stress and Mental Health Instructor Workbook, complete the following reflection question. 

The fact sheet has been created as a resource to summarize tips. Review and answer the following reflection question.

Fact Sheet: Tips on How to Have Supportive Conversations

Reflection Question: What 3 things do you want to remind yourself of prior to supporting another person?

For more understanding on how to support someone in struggle and ways we can hold space for others, watch the video below called 'How to Help a Grieving Friend'₁₁.